Its been 2 years, 2 months and 10 days. Life has been the way it is. But it has never been the same since May 1st, 2017. I got the news that you had gone and everything stopped. I guess my brain did that to protect itself. I also believe that God took the me from me out so that I wouldn’t self-destruct. It’s ironic that the few days, 6 days to be exact after you left are the closest I’ve ever felt to God. I want to tell you all about it. They said you had gone, and I said “no’ multiple times. I asked God why. Things were just looking up. We had spoken at length the week before. We talked about your plans. Though there’s a sixteen-year age difference, you still sought my counsel. I miss you so much and I wish I could talk to you one more time. I never got to tell you that I love you, that I see you, and appreciate you. I never got to thank you for your strength and resilience. I never got to tell you how brave you are and the one that hurts more is that we never told you that it was okay to let it down. To let the hurt down, to let the anger go, we never let you express your pain. We saw your strength all the time but that’s because you had to. I wish we let you know that you didn’t have to be that all the time. We saw someone who wouldn’t back down but that’s because that’s all you knew to be, I wish we let you know that you didn’t have to fight all the time. I miss you sis, more today than I ever have. You are my go-to person. When life’s walls caved in on me, you always had the right words to push them away. You are my second mom. I miss you. I have so much to tell you. Can you believe that I turned 30? I can’t believe it myself lol.
I wish I could tell you about the days after you left. I want to tell you how dark everything felt. I couldn’t go home; the pain was too much. I had to be strong just like you. I had to continue and be brave. But I’m not you. Eventually, the walls fell in on me. You weren’t there to push them away this time. Nobody could help me. My friends had their lives, I guess. It hurt. To be alone, it hurt. Do you know that I left my room door open for two months after you left, I was scared to shut it because I thought you could come see me and if the door was shut, I would miss you lol. Maybe I lost a bit of my mind. I know that I lost a bit of myself. Remember we used to talk a lot about movies, we would recommend movies to each other. Going to the movies was one of our favorite things to do. I don’t care for movies anymore. I never thought the day would come when I wouldn’t care for movies.
I wish I had told you that I respect you, and I look up to you. You are my voice of wisdom. You are my “okay she thinks it’s a good idea so I’m good to go”. You are not here, and it hurts. I wish I was home when you left. I am angry that you left me. You left me, how am I supposed to go through this world when you aren’t there? I miss you and I love you. I haven’t spoken to you in a while, but I’ll try to do so often.
Dear Sis, you are one of the strongest persons I know, you are one of the kindest persons I know, you stood with integrity in a world riddled with unscrupulousness, You are brave. Someone said to me “…do you want to end up like your sister?” and it was said in a negative tone, that day and for a long time, I have been afraid that I’ll end up like you, not the you I know because it would be an honor to be anything near the you that you are, but they were referring to the you the world thought you to be, they were referring to the idea of the you the world wanted you to be, they were referring to their own limited mindset of human success. Today, I say yes, I wouldn’t mind being brave like my sister, being strong, loving, kind, honest and true like my Sis. I would tell my children about their aunt; I would tell my grandchildren about you. I would tell them that you are a part of my success story.
I love you Sis and words fail me to describe how much I miss you.