“Not yet….a while longer”

I don’t know about you but I abso *include favorite curse word* lutely hate waiting. I’m not talking about the kind of wait you know will end. For example; cooking beans using kerosene stove, you know it’ll end in 2-3hrs, long, but at least you know it will end. Or, waiting for your plantain to brown-up, seems like forever but you know it’s either you are patient and wait for the process or you turn up the heat and it turns to charcoal so you do the right thing and wait. Waiting for things that  have a given time-frame is easier than waiting in faith for something you don’t even see at all. It’s like your sixth sense knows it’s there and you really believe it but for some reason, it’s stuck in la-la land. If you are Christian, you would probably believe there’s an old woman sitting on the object of your wait well, depending on what denomination you attend. You may also engage in reality- turning-dream exercises and yes, I just made that up #Can’tDeal 🙅. These include, praying, fasting, bible studying, up your church visits to include weekly services, volunteer more, give more, sow seeds, attend deliverance service(s), get anointing oil, multiple visits to your pastor, vigils, dance offering, worship and praise only *wall of Jericho*, praying oh I already mentioned that and more praying. I don’t know how non-Christians wait for stuff or else I would have made a list of their exercises too. I have read about people who just distract themselves 🙄 *Jealous much*, I mean do you know how much will power you possess to distract you from the object of your wait? Bruh I’m super envious of people who can do this. I also read about people who just go for it. You see, I know you may think this is the group to be jealous of right? But it has a higher risk factor. I mean I’m all for being proactive but this method is a little out there. For example; If you are trying to get pregnant, this method can’t work except you mean fake a pregnancy then just beg/borrow/steal a baby. The analogy is a little extreme but you get my point. No matter the method you choose, the consensus is that waiting sucks! One of my favorites is “Don’t look for it, it would come to you” 🙄 What are you talking about? I mean how can I not look for something that I want? Or am I supposed to pretend not to want it? You know when you go to the dessert section even though you know you shouldn’t be having any and then you walk around and make a choice but then pretend you shouldn’t be having it but you are having it/ See I’m already confused. My point is, I can’t pretend that I don’t want to start my own business, I can’t pretend that I don’t want children when everywhere I go, I’m reminded that I’ve failed at having mine. I cannot pretend that I don’t want to be married and have a family when everywhere I go is a reminder of what I don’t have. How can I pretend my disease away? Oh! let’s play the don’t-take-your-medication-today game and let’s see how long it takes before we seize to exist.

The fun really is for Christians because like I said, there is the “reality-turning-dream-exercise” to follow. It’s a little lot overwhelming being Christian at least for me. Sometimes I wish I just learned about Jesus like a year ago. “Hold-on fire breathing Christ followers”, we all have different experiences on how we found out about Him. Majority of Christians today were born into it. You never had the opportunity to figure Him out for yourselves early on. You just had to follow the lead. I’ll tell you why I wish I had just met Him. The version of the Him I have come to know over the past couple of years is totally different from the Him I was taught. And for this reason, reconciling them both and incorporating both in my life has been pretty difficult to put it lightly. Jesus is kind, compassionate and loving. He really is on our side and is rooting for our success. That’s what my personal experience with Him has taught me. On the other hand, I was taught the fire breathing God, don’t get me wrong, He is fire breathing because the bible says He is a consuming fire and somewhere else says something about the blast of his nostrils or so please don’t quote me on the latter but I know the former for certain. If I blinked the wrong way, Jesus would be upset with me and I would basically end up in a furnace of fire and brimstone *ouch*

I was led to believe that my good behavior got favors from God. You know like tit for tat kind of, scratch my back I scratch yours relationship. Well I learned that’s a total lie because we don’t deserve anything if we are being honest. I mean if God really used that as a standard to receive anything, I don’t even think David who is basically God’s bff would cut it – case in point murder to covet someone’s wife.

You are probably wondering how all this is connected right? Or maybe you are a genius and a mind reader and figured it out 🤷 good for you. Let me get to the point 💆‍. Past knowledge tells me the reason I have to wait for anything in life is because; I am a sinner so I deserve nothing. This is true, I have done something that God is holding against me, He can see all the things I’m going to do wrong so no need giving me stuff now if I turn out to be an ungrateful piece of 💩, I am cursed – thanks to my ancestors 🙄 or God just hates me oh my favorite – because He can choose to have mercy on whomever He wants and finally, just because! – case in point – Judas Iscariot.  In my early Christian journey, I was basically a Pharisee. I just had to do what the word said to prevent me from eternal damnation. You can imagine, it was hell on earth. Endless days of feeling inadequate because who really can follow His instructions to the letter? I mean we are born sinners so how can I even undo the sins I wasn’t aware of? But lack of knowledge made me go down this miserable path of just never being good enough. Fast forward to when I had the “opportunity” to wait for something 🙄. It was a total nightmare but that opened the door to finding about Him for myself. I’m very happy to know that He is a God of love, compassion, tolerance and lots of forgiveness. He’s not lurking in the corner waiting for you to mess up so He can throw a 15year wait for anything as punishment or atonement for your sins. Undoing 20+ years of spiritual damage is no easy fit but I just know now that no matter what it is you are believing God to make happen for you, you get it by His grace not because you are living the life of a saint. I wish I had the perfect answer to the why of waiting but I don’t and probably never will. There are lots of theories out there – you wouldn’t know what to do with the blessing you are waiting for, well tell that to the couple who have been trying to have a baby or someone waiting for a sick loved one to get better. The best answer to the why of waiting is seen in Isaiah 55 vs 8-9 “The Lord says, “My thoughts are not like yours. Your ways are not like mine. Just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than yours, and my thoughts are higher than your thoughts.” I know it’s not an absolute answer but at least it tells me that I’m way in over my head thinking I have this figured out.

I read a book a month ago about waiting by Wendy Pope. It was very insightful and interactive so it wasn’t a bore. It was encouraging  and reminded of some God-promises I had forgotten about. I would recommend it if you want a faith rejuvenation. I don’t know how long I’ll be waiting or how many more of life’s pauses I will encounter but I hope they are all worth the wait. Life is inundated with lots of pauses, my prayer is that God helps us know when to make a move and when to just be still and know that He is God (Psalm 46:10 “Be still and know that I am God.”)

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