Purpose? Passion? I just want to live!

Lord, I don’t know what to do with my life 😭. I mean I’m supposed to have purpose in life right? A higher calling, you know to be significant and not a waste 😩. I want to be more. I need to invent something to feel fulfilled. I need to be on some “successful under 30 list” to feel accomplished 😠. I mean my favorite verse says that You have plans for me, of good and not evil, the promise of a future and hope. Hmmm sweet hope, that’s all that keeps me going most days. The belief that it’ll get better. But in this my hopefulness, there is the sting of “so what is your purpose in this life?” What is my passion and how can I make a living from it? At some point, my passion in life was just chilling, like I could just lay/sit in a spot forever just chilling but I had to let that go because I could not make a living from just chilling 😞. Then one time I loved cooking/baking and I wrote a business plan for my business, to provide meals on the go, my target audience being those over-worked Lagos bankers. I did my analysis and all – you know fresh out of school so I wanted to put my degree to work. I honestly don’t know how that dream died 🤔. I have gone through a barrage of ideas. I even started to learn programming sef just to create an app that would save the world 🤣. And in all of this quest for greatness, I genuinely believed each new idea was my passion. One time I believed the problem was that I was too good 🤣, because I could learn things I convinced myself I was passionate about with little difficulty, it was difficult choosing one passion since I was good and liked everything. I mean your passion is supposed to be that one thing that you are great at and can do without difficulty right? Dear Lord, save your child 🛐.

My question really is though, what if my passion isn’t conventional? What if really, I can’t make a living from my passion? And what if I never cure cancer or prove a formula? Have I failed at life?  Do I need to solve world hunger and end world poverty to feel useful? Do I need to solve the conundrum that is or world leaders? Certainly not. Am I putting the weight of the world on my shoulders and failing at my own tests? I mean that is ridiculous right? How can I fail a test that I created? Bruh I must be super dumb for that to happen but, that’s what has been happening this whole time. The quest for greatness. The idea that the world has to know of me before I can be validated as a person. The idea that I have to be a C.E.O to be relevant. I have to be the boss to be respected. Each year, I give myself the task of creating something so big that the world would hear of me, okay maybe not the world but you get my drift right? Then I fail my test each time and don’t even get me started on social media hype 🙄. I’ll just leave that conversation for another day or never. Back to my tests and failing them. I wonder how  I got myself stuck in this cycle? How did I form these ideologies? Am I wrong to have been thinking this way? Am I thinking this way because I have failed another test? Am I trying to make myself feel better? I honestly do not know but one thing that I am sure of is that I am no longer testing myself. I may never be on the “successful under ‘whatever'” list and that should be fine. I may never have my own company. I may never be the boss, and I may never be the “chosen” one and that is completely okay. Okay now I kind of sound like a loser 😒 but I have to be okay that’s the point. I need to stop this obsession with world domination and public success. I am able to type this myself and form the thoughts myself that’s success. I have a job that I do not love but I get paid for it- that’s success. Love is objective lol. I just want to have lots of life experiences, visit places, meet people and collect a lot of city key-holders at the airports. Oh I forgot to mention, share these experiences with the loves in my life. Life is boring without friends and family so I’ll definitely want them experiencing life with me.

So darling, that you don’t qualify for the world’s standards of being successful doesn’t mean you don’t have success. I mean someone chose to marry you – that’s like double success 🤣, just kidding but for real though, you know how difficult you are and someone still likes you? Bruh that’s success. You have a kid/kids that you take care of? Everyday that you don’t end up losing one of them is a success because those little people are very trying so, yeah that’s success. You don’t die by choking on air – success. You trip a thousand times and maybe you’ve broken a couple of bones but you are still alive to break more- super success. You can continue the list yourself 😉.

Today, choose you as your success. Choose you as your sense of fulfillment. Not your purpose/passion or whatever but just your existence. I am enough just the way I am ✊.

I’ll invite you over for drinks when I make the “successful under ‘whatever'” list though 😜.

 


Disclaimer:
Dear reader, please resist the urge to project the words on here unto my personal life. These are words and not me. Thank you 😊.

 

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