“March 1st”

…..I sat at my desk at work, with the view of the entrance to my building and that day for the first time in a while, I saw the light. It was a pin hole in the dark sheet. At first, I thought it wasn’t real. I had to look again. And yes it was there. It wasn’t a big light, it was literally a pin hole. It was the first time I smiled for real. That was the sign I was looking for. I had been in the dark for so long that seeing that pin hole was a relief. It felt like I had won the battle. As I looked on at that tiny hole, I saw endless possibilities. I saw the dreams I once had and had let go. I saw my life in the ‘sun’. I was happy that day. I decided to write it down and that day I decided to go back to my “drawing board”. I’m not going to give up. I don’t know if I’m right about my current choices but I’ll be wrong to not try. I’m going back to my on-line classes and I’m going to make the connections I need to. I make a list of endless possibilities. I make both right now goals and future goals. I felt very alive in that moment. I finally have a reason to live. I remember what I love to do. I remember what gives me joy and I decide to feed it, to fan the flame of the possibility of one day making a difference in a huge way. I’m excited about all of this new energy and focus on the big picture. Someday I’m going to work with Alliance for Help (A.H) – the biggest organization in the world that provides humanitarian services to all the countries in the world. There are days when this is just a fantasy and there are days I have to believe. It just depended on which voice I gave the microphone to that day/week or even month.

I decided to go home to visit my family and pay respect to my father I mean it’s the right thing to do right? I have to prepare for this visit though. I have to make it as worthwhile as possible. In the meantime, all my efforts to join the A.H have proven abortive. The difference between the ‘before’ and now is that each ‘No’ doesn’t hurt. It actually makes me stronger. I go back to figure out how o get better and maybe the next time will be a ‘Yes’. There were days when I would just burst out in tears out of the blue. He was everywhere – in a T.V ad, in the movie I just watched, in the laugh of a stranger, in the whiff of the scent in the hall-way. I remember one day I was watching a movie and I wanted so bad to call him and talk to him about it but I couldn’t. I have incidents like that everyday where I want to tell him about something that happened that day but I’m never going to be able to communicate that with him. It’s not like I can’t tell anybody else but the fact that he is the only one who will get it the way we used to talk. On some days, I can talk myself out of the feeling and other days I just break-down and cry.

My on-line classes are going pretty well. I’m learning a lot about aid work and it definitely tickles my mind. The more I learn, the more I want to just quit my current job and just go for it but I need a safety net right now. The thing with life is that it doesn’t pause for you to get it together. I’m not going to get the luxury of  a do over where I go back to school and take different steps where I can plan the future that I see now. Life goes on, it’s not going to stop for me to get all the experience and knowledge I need in this area and still wait till I get a job. I’m going to have to figure this out myself. I am currently volunteering in three organizations and I feel like it’s not enough. I dream of days where I will meet a mentor and that person will guide me in my new career. Show me the ins and outs of the field and just give me the opportunity to provide my time. It hasn’t been easy at all and like I said earlier most times, I feel like all of this is fantasy. It’s never going to happen. I’m never going to be good enough for A.H or anyone else for that matter. I’m going to be stuck with a job instead of the career that I want and it hurts but then again, I draw my strength from ‘March one’- the day my father died. For the entire month of March, every day was March 1st. It actually spilled into April so for almost 2 months, I was living the same day every day. It wasn’t until the day I saw the pin hole in the dark sheet that I saw a new day.

I do a lot of research and find symposiums, events or anything that will help me network with people that are in my desired field. I also paid to get certificates for the on-line courses I’m taking so I’m pretty serious with this. I just need one chance and it’s either I find one or I make one. I’ve spent six months trying to find one so I decide to make one. I’m going to use the opportunity of going home to visit as many orphanages as I can. I’m not interested in the popular ones, I need to find the ones that don’t have resources. I need to find the ‘forgotten’ ones. The ones with no PR team. I have nothing against the big names but my heart is drawn to the ‘quiet’ ones. I need to find them and see how I can help. I’m going to put all the theories I have learned into practical terms. This is no easy task but there’s a fire within me and I have to at least try. I have just two months to plan this though but I’m very much determined.

It’s the day I leave to go home. I check my organizer to make sure that all the boxes are checked. I am super excited to visit this one orphanage I heard of. It’s like a little diamond ring wrapped in a box for me. The possibilities that could come out of this meeting make my heart experience premature ventricular contractions. But as often as the excitement pumps me, so does the feeling of dread take over. I have to visit my father’s grave site. I’m not sure I can do this but I need to do it. I have never been able to visit my grandmother’s grave because I delayed the grief. I tried to be strong and bottled it all up but that was a terrible idea because 15 years after, I’m still hurting. I can’t go there. It hurts too much. That’s why I fought so hard to go through the pain that my father’s death pelted me. The pain is there but I find strength in it and that’s why I can entertain the remote idea of visiting his grave.

The voice on the PA calls out my flight details and there I go. Walking into the beginning of the rest of my life. A journey that I have prepared for my entire life for. My dreams rest on this one trip and I begin to feel overwhelmed. Like I’m hinging too much on this trip. How can I place the fate of my future on just one trip? What if the meeting never happens? What if they are a fraud? What if visiting my father’s grave will take an emotional toll on me and I shutdown? But I whisper a prayer to God form Psalm 37 vs 5 – “Commit thy way unto the Lord: and He shall bring it to pass.”…..


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