“One”

…..This is it, I’m going to get it together. I mean everyone says find your passion and follow it right? So yeah, I’m doing this. I have prayed and I’m believing that this is my passion. It has to be right? There is nothing else I do for others without a single worry or stress. It comes natural and despite the number of times I tried to leave, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. (One time I tried to leave because I thought it was the very reason I was single. I mean no one gets to see me and I don’t even make an effort in my appearance. Comfort is always my number one priority.) Since I can’t afford to get another degree, I have to figure out how to get this passion going. I was really excited about this. I mean I had found my passion ‘I think‘ and now I have to work for it. I did some research thanks to google and I found some free online classes I could take to help with learning a couple of things I thought would help my quest to world domination lol- I play too much. I usually like to wait for the first of a new month to start a new plan but this time, I’m so determined that I started immediately. I enrolled for my first class in Human Rights as an Interdisciplinary act focusing on children and boy did I feel empowered. I felt like I was taking control of my destiny. I wasn’t leaving it to chance. I was exercising my faith you know since faith without works is dead right?

Let me give you a little background into my life. I’m not going to go into detail. Just going to focus on the basics. So here it goes. Growing up, I thought I was going to be a doctor, a surgeon actually- neurosurgeon but then life happened and for my first degree, I found myself in social sciences and for my second degree, I went into technology. I would like to note that I just happened to choose these because of my limitations. My limitation isn’t conventional. You are probably thinking health or financial but this time, my limitation was me. I was playing it safe. I didn’t want to fail so I chose ‘easy’ courses. I challenged myself a bit with my second degree though, I went to a different field but in my opinion, I was playing it safe. Well after my second degree, I started the job hunt and it wasn’t pretty. Eventually I got a job. Wasn’t ‘the’ job but it paid the bills. I didn’t mind starting from the bottom so it was ok or so I thought. I was empty, confused, afraid and just outright sad!

Fast forward to present day- I had new found energy from taking charge of my life. It wasn’t easy taking the online classes because apart from the fact that I had a full time job, I wasn’t even sure if this wasn’t a complete waste of my time and I was just doing what I do best – dreaming or if it was the right thing to do. I convinced myself that I was waiting for the day that all these classes I was taking will someday be needed one day and it will be a shame if I wasn’t prepared for that day. I had to believe that. You know that feeling you get when your life seems to be taking shape and the puzzles are finally falling into place and you just have that good feeling that everything will be okay? Yes that’s how I was feeling.

It was a new month and things were going great, and one day, I got a phone call and I don’t remember much from the conversation but I remember these words “I’m so sorry, I didn’t want to be the one to tell you…..”, the details are blurry. I can’t remember how the rest of the day went but that was the end. My father was gone. He wasn’t here anymore. I didn’t know whether to cry or not because I didn’t want to upset God by mourning like the unbelievers. I tried to be logical about my reaction to the news. Trying to do it a healthy way and also keeping my faith strong wasn’t an easy task.Lots of questions bothered coursing through my mind but of course no one was there to provide answers to them. My entire belief system was under attack and to top up, I was alone. I don’t just mean feeling lonely, but I was also physically by myself. My family was on another continent and I couldn’t go be with them so it was tough to say the least.There was no point to life. The passion l had to live and help and fight for the very people who needed help was dead. My very core was empty. I prayed to die, I begged God to kill me. I thought about doing it myself. I got as far as cleaning my room and getting things in order for when they found me. But then I thought about the pain my family will feel. I thought about my mother. It will surely kill her to lose me too. It will be selfish of me to put my family through the exact pain I was currently feeling. So I decided to wait. Praying that one day, it wouldn’t be so dark. Everyday I woke up was the same day I got that call. I don’t mean it was like the day. What I mean is that I was living that day everyday. It was a new day but my life was stuck in the day I got the call. I tried to continue pursuing my dream but it was too dark. I couldn’t see anything and I gave up. I had no more fight in me. I was just going to let life happen to me. I was completely insane thinking that I could control my destiny. Life was outside my control and all I had to do was wait for what it had for me and keep dealing….

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