Same feeling, just a different day. I wanted so bad for a do over. Tossing and turning trying to force sleep so that I can be in “tomorrow”. Today was just a crappy day and my usual “unbothered” demeanor is very bothered. Funny thing is I remember how I got here. It was a daily slide down this road and now I’m trying to crawl out. It was conscious decisions I made to put off recharging my batteries and now I’m running on empty. I have to refuel but I hate that I’m not strong enough to go on longer without falling apart. It’s kind of like a once a month thing that lasts another month “smh”.
So what am I tired of today? It’s life in general. The constant battle to live my best life despite my reality. It’s the need to be strong in the midst of adversity. It’s constantly beating on myself for being weak when others have it worse. It’s the silence and the pause that seems to be going on forever and waiting for the “play” part when the images become a collage of progress.
See as a christian we are taught to be strong, to have faith, to weather the storm because it will all be worth it. Most days, all that seems like a fantasy and something we say to not give up and other days it’s the fuel that drives me to accomplish anything. It’s having faith in the midst of the storm and there are lots of examples to show that to those people, it really was worth it in the end. My favorite example is Joseph, he had dreams about his future but his reality was the complete opposite. I wish he kept a diary where he expressed his daily feelings. It’s easy to say he had faith and believed but I bet you he wasn’t all bright and shiny every day till he turned 40 and his dreams came true.
It’s the everyday feeling I want to hear about and not the gist of it. That is what motivates me.
So today I’m fighting, fighting to stay above. I’m reading scriptures that remind me of who I am. I choose to do that today because in the end, I am super blessed. I’m picking to live today and not try to live my tomorrow’s now because today has enough trouble in itself.
I say to you, you are totally right, life is very unfair, it sucks most of the time, you do not deserve the struggle at all, you deserve a break, you deserve to coast through life, to wake up with a sunlit face, to have zero worries, you deserve the life you dream of and more. People are absolutely terrible but that shouldn’t change who you are, whether you are good to them or not good to them, they will always be who they are so, just be you. You are not responsible for how people interpret your existence, you “be” and they interpret. I will love to tell you that everything will be fine but the truth is I really don’t know but what I know is that you keep fighting. Fight to stay above, fight for what you believe, fight for your fantasies. Cry, yell, speak, write….do whatever it takes to live your best life.
Oh one more thing, NEVER be afraid of how the world sees you.